From a young age, I started to define myself through others. I would/and still do want others to validate me and my existence. While growing up, I could not find a clear mirror, not from my family, friends, or teachers. I didn't always receive a positive reflection when I was myself. I learned that I was much more accepted if I mirrored others instead of them mirroring me. Although superficial, I finally had connections with people. However, over time, I forgot that I existed at all. 

 

Then, in my early 30's, I met my teacher. The first day of class I walked into the room to the cleanest mirror I had ever experienced. Because the reflection was so clear, I could barely hold back my tears. All day, I felt a burst of emotion move through my body. I was too embarrassed about crying around a bunch of strangers. Because of this, I ran to my car after class, drove home, ran inside my apartment while avoiding all my neighbors, and shut my door. I let out years and years of a false sense of myself. I did not stop crying until I woke up the next day. 

 

Over time, I have realized that I have karma, and people look at me through this karma. Somehow, my teacher could see me outside of my karma, and in return, I developed a sense of myself. Not immediately, but over time, I developed a reference frame outside of the world reflection. I call this my inner grit. When I feel myself reaching out there for answers and validation, I return to this place of uncomfortableness and stay with it until it disappears. It is not fun or easy, so I call it "inner grit." 

 

This blog is about what I find during my explorations. In the past, I would have been too afraid of what others thought to speak out. But now, if what I say is ridiculed, questioned, or picked apart, I know I have a place to go that will transcend it all. Once I stop wanting to be heard, I will be heard. This is how I feel life works, and my inner grit will get me there.