One Humanity

When I was about 25 years old, I would go to a local massage school that held lectures accompanied by demonstrations every Wednesday evening. After the weekly lecture, you could receive free bodywork. For me, it was a treat that I looked forward to after work on Wednesdays. On one occasion, a hypnotherapist was giving out mini hypnotherapy sessions to build her business. The school had many different practitioners there that night offering treatments, but I wanted to try out hypnotherapy. By 25 years old, I had tried a lot of different healing modalities, but had never experienced being hypnotized.

I don’t remember the practitioner’s name, but I do remember that she was a little older and had a kind, graceful nature. Although I have to admit I was nervous about being hypnotized, I felt comfortable with her as she led me back into a private room. She had me sit in a comfortable chair that leaned back as she guided me into deeper and deeper parts of myself. I remember being very relaxed and aware at the same time. I could feel myself reaching out to the universe as she guided me with her voice. However, before I go on, I want to say I am not writing this post about hypnotherapy; I have not received hypnotherapy since my 2 sessions with this therapist. This post is about my experience after my session and the feeling it left me with for about a week.

I don’t remember much right after I came back from being under, other than that I felt amazing. I remember driving home with my friend and not being able to talk because a feeling I can only describe as love had welled up inside me. I just wanted to sit with it as we drove home. I did start to wonder, as I sat there gazing at the beauty of the world outside the car window, where this feeling was coming from. I asked myself if there was someone I was in love with. I know it sounds silly, but my experience up to that point, when I felt similar feelings, was always attributed to external circumstances. I couldn’t think of anyone that interested me at the time. I began to search my mind for future events that I was looking forward to, but there was nothing. I couldn’t think of anything and just decided I was feeling intense love for no real reason. It crossed my mind that this might be happening because of the hypnotherapy. Then I remembered the therapist told me she would be back the following week if I wanted another session. I told myself that I was definitely going back for more of whatever this was.

When I got home that night, I didn’t want to move around too much because I was afraid the feeling might go away. I was very happy when I woke up the next morning to find it still there. I felt like I was glowing with a big weird smile across my face. I remember it fading a little more every day, and by the time I went back the following week, it was gone.

I went back to the massage school the following Wednesday by myself because my friend had other plans. I wanted to be sure I got some more of what she was giving. I thought, who knew all these years of anxiety and depression could be wiped away from a ½ hour session of hypnotherapy. When we got back to her room, and I was nicely settled into the comfy chair, I told her what I had experienced and how I wanted her to do it again. She looked at me questioningly and said she wasn’t sure what I was referring to. She said she had not had clients mention this particular feeling before, and it is not a known effect of hypnotherapy.

My heart sank; I wondered what it could have been if she wasn’t purposely making it happen. Then I just hoped she could produce it again anyway. The session felt good and relaxing, but I didn’t have the same expansive feeling. The week before, I had felt I was going deeper and deeper inside of myself, but fully aware of my surroundings.

Needless to say, it didn’t happen again, and I was back to my old self. For many years I thought about and wondered what had happened to me during that session of hypnotherapy. When I was in class with my spiritual teacher, he used to say hypnotherapy didn’t do much to help people. I thought, wow, it sure did something to me. But over time, I have realized that meditation is the tool that has taken me to deeper parts of myself. I think what she unknowingly did was take me into a meditative state where I accessed my own self-referral.

The self-referral is a feeling of a cosmic cushion of love. This love is not directed toward any one thing, but it is just there. It is like a fire that gets lit from the inside. It doesn’t need anything external to keep it burning. I am writing this because I have recently realized how often I reach for the external to satisfy myself. Also, lately when I look at social media, I see more people dying from drug overdoses. I can feel we all want to reach for the drug, person, money, or even the perfect body and think that if I could have this, I would be satisfied. And then once we have it, we try to hold on to it, hoping it will keep the feeling of fulfillment alive. But I am realizing that what we are really seeking to satisfy is a permanent sense of our connection to god.

Because these external substitutes are fleeting, people change, drugs wear off, we swallow food, and there are only so many hours we can spend on the internet. We become obsessed with getting more and more satiated with our particular addiction. Life is constantly changing and unpredictable, which makes it hard to hold on to anything permanently. Plus, trying to control permanence can lead to a feeling of desperation and anxiety. But what if what we really want, and on some level know is there, is this place that does not change? It doesn’t change because it is separate from the ever-changing relative world.

So the next question might be: how do we set this inner fire alight? I sense it is different for everyone. But I feel the key ingredients are discernment and self-honesty. I feel they create a roadmap that is hidden in all of us, not just a few selected people. On this particular level, we are all the same. Another way we are the same is that we are all screwed up. I say this because people are afraid to look at their darkness when being self-honest. If we can’t be truthful with ourselves, we push all truth out. We need to see our own patterns and flaws. In my opinion, the not-so-desirable parts of ourselves are part of the kaleidoscope of our beauty and humanity. Pay attention, observe who you are, and watch the world open up to you. I feel this quote from the Bhagavad Gita illustrates what I'm trying to say: “Even if you are the most sinful of all sinners, you shall certainly cross over all wickedness by the boat of transcendental knowledge alone."[1]Verse 36, chapter 4.

I am going to stop here, but I want to leave this post with a quote from my teacher: “It takes a lot of pressure to make a diamond.” The world is under a lot of pressure right now, and I think that, because of this, we all have an opportunity to become diamonds. Don’t be afraid; jump into who you are.